Such Small Hands

Such Small Hands

[Trevor]

Everything we have today in the world is supposed to be a convenience and help us move faster in life and advance. We have roads to move along automobiles and plans to ship folks across countries and seas to another destination. It takes blood and grit to move everything along. Blood and grit to catch the eye of a girl in a bar, and make her yours; take her home and show her what it is like is to not be her daddy. Stupid girls fall for free drinks and handsome smiles. Those I can give and succeed at. A leggy brunette with nylon stockings and plump lips happen to catch my attention one night. Jenna was a different girl though. I had to work to get her to take a drink from me. Fortunately luck was on my side for once, because I took that pretty little gal home by the end of the night to only be invited to the magical land between her white thighs. She said after I hours of being wrapped up in each other, lying there sweaty and glistening with each other’s filth. “Mr. Wilco you’ll be the death of me.” She said with a giggle. We dated for a while and got to know each other more. We learned each other’s habits and discovered pet peeves. She did things I would find cute but to her I did things she hated. So, she thought she’d fix our relationship by seeing some new guy. Fine, see a nw guy just don’t fucking flaunt that shit in front of my face. If you’re going to cheat do it behind my back, not at the fucking bar where we met and in front of my friends at that. Jenna didn’t understand the ethics of manhood and how bad it’d look on me to have a girlfriend use me like a raggedy doll. Nor did I, because I was a silly boy who loved a woman who couldn’t give a single fuck if my lungs worked to breath or if my heart pumped to live. I was brought up to believe everything I knew was right was really wrong in our relationship. The lies, the kisses, and the empty promises.  The night I found out about the guy she was seeing we were fighting in the kitchen. She worked her lungs, screaming so loud I’m sure even prisoners in China heard her. I’m not gonna lie and say I wasn’t crying that night or damn near to raising my hand to her, because I did. She shoved me back, calling me a pathetic excuse for a man. A degrace and that I couldn’t do anything right because the lack of balls I had were just loose skin. That night instead of a man I was a child, lost in love and sitting on the floor of the kitchen with my head between my knees. She left.

A couple months later Jenna came back into my life and we decided to start a new, I took her for drinks in the same bar we met at. I had about four beers and maybe a couple shots and Jenna had nothing but a smile planted on her lips. I was quite intoxicated and far under the influence to drive, but I insisted. She didn’t oblige as if she planned for all of this to happen. I held her hand and she was too afraid to speak, just too afraid to speak and I just wouldn’t understand.  Heading out to the car Jenna stopped me, placing a small hand on my arm, touching my lightly, and looking into my eyes with a solemn expression. I stopped and stared, baffled by the gesture. “I do love you Trevor, it just hard to love you.” I shrugged off what she said and just grinned like a drunk bastard, giving her a kiss before getting inside my vehicle and strapping myself in, sliding the key into the ignition feeling everything around me slow down.

I never understood what she meant; I never actually gave it thought. I didn’t care, I just wanted a purpose in love, I was selfish and wanted a reason to wake up and say I love you. But did I care what she wants? Fuck no. Love rhymes with fear. Too scared to love, and loving too much to be scared of anything.

I turned on my music and blasted it loud, drumming to it on the steering wheel grinning hard at her as she strained a smile to me. I touched her knee affectionately, letting her know of the upcoming events at my apartment that might not impress her so much due to my intoxicated state. She seemed to not care of anything I had to say, she just clutched to my arm tightly never letting me go. As I drove down the road, surrounded by darkness and trees I caught a glimpse of an apparatus standing before us, maybe it was my blurred vision or tipsy hallucination but I definitely saw something that could been a person, I swerved the car, hitting my breaks hard. Life sucks sometime you know? Working so hard for something, putting blood and sweat into it. Jenna was something I worked hard for, she was my life and I was hers. She was the last image I’d see before I slept.

Since that night, I see her in my sleep. I see her in my dreams. And I see her dying.

I see her dying, and I see the light go out in her eyes and her lips still.

And I hear. I hear nothing, but the sound of my own heart breaking into pieces, shattering to the sound of her neck breaking and her body violently shutting down, forever.